If I can’t taste the rBGH in my milk, I’m not drinkin’ it. 

If a food can be scientifically improved, it should be. Jew God did a good thing when He created fruits, vegetables, meats, cheeses, et cetera, but the benevolent people at Monsanto figured out how to take it to another level. They took the humble cow and turned it into a muscled-out milk producing machine. They took corn and turned it into an easily drinkable syrup. They took wheat, bleached out all the unsightly colors, and turned it into delicious nutritious flour. Thanks to the antibiotics in our milk, I haven’t been sick in years. Plus, all the additional hormones made me the kickass athlete I am today; it’s like getting free supplements. Monsanto, thanks for being awesome. It’s forward thinkers like you who blaze the trail for products like Cheez Whiz – America’s favorite pasteurized processed cheese-food. 

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Cheez Whiz, Kraft takes the processed patriotic delicacy American Cheese and sciences the fuck out of it until it takes its liquid form and fits in a jar. It has the velvety texture of KY personal lubricant and the yellow metallic sheen of Kraft singles. To describe the taste of Cheez Whiz, all I can say is:

It tastes like a bald eagle drone striking a group of might-be terrorists.
It tastes like Sarah Palin sniping grey wolves from a helicopter.
It tastes like the dawn’s early light and the ramparts we watched.
It tastes like the ’92 Dream Team railing lines of coke off some Barcelonian bitch’s titty.
It tastes like America. 

The inspiration for this dish came to me on the second best day of the week: College Football Day. I was standing in line at Fat Sal’s alone, visibly intoxicated, and wondering what the Hell I was doing with my life. All I wanted was the sweet morphine-drip release of a Fat Jerry with avocado sliding down my throat hole telling me everything was going to be ok, but something on the menu caught my eye – “Phenomenal Philly Cheesesteak”. I normally have a rule against ordering foods that reference their own quality in their name; it’s like, “Fuck you food, you don’t get to make that distinction, that’s my job, you’re not even self-aware”. But, in my drunken state, I thought to myself, “Eagles are playing the Broncos tomorrow, it would be bad luck to not order it.” At the time, that made perfect sense. After they lost 52-20, it didn’t. Fuck you Long Island Medium for making me believe in things.

Un-be-fucking-knownst to me, Fat Sal’s doesn’t offer Cheez Whiz. The most American place in the world, the restaurant whose namesake tackles the obesity epidemic, doesn’t have any liquid cheese. The cheesesteak I ordered – like everything I love – disappointed me beyond what I thought to be humanly possible. It was missing pizazz, that fatty yellow liquid substance to tie it all together… and then I blacked out. Luckily, very luckily, I woke up to a note written on my phone that said – “FUCKING WHIZ WIT BENEDICT”.

It’s just so god damned beautiful.

‘Whiz Wit” Benedict with Cheez Whiz Hollandaise

(We got fats on fats on fats)

philly cheesesteak hawaiian roll sliders 5

Cheez Whiz Hollandaise 

6 egg yolks
1 1/2 sticks unsalted butter
3/4 cup Cheez-Whiz
1/4 cup whole milk
2 Tbsp lemon juice
salt and pepper to taste

1) Vigorously whisk egg yolks and lemon juice in a large metal mixing bowl until the mixture becomes creamy and begins to expand.
2) Melt butter in a separate bowl.
3) Heat the whole milk on medium in a small sauce pot and whisk in your Cheez Whiz. Continue to whisk until mixture becomes homogenized, then remove from heat.
4) Make a double boiler – fill a a large sauce pot 1/3 of the way up with hot water and heat on high until a rapid boil starts. Put your metal mixing bowl on top of the boiling pot, making sure that the water does not come in direct contact with the bowl. If it gets too hot, your eggs are going to scramble. Although that would be delicious, this is neither the time nor place.
5) Gradually whisk the melted butter into the lemony yolk mixture until it becomes one with itself, then whisk in your milky Cheez Whiz.
6) Whisk over indirect heat for 2 minutes or so, letting all the flavors marry. Add salt and pepper to taste.

‘Whiz Wit’ Benedict

1 1/2 lbs rib eye sliced as thin as possible (ask your butcher to slice it, it’s his fucking job)
2 medium brown onions
1 large loaf of unsliced Challah
5 eggs
1 tsp vinegar (for poaching)
1 jar of Cherry Pepper relish (for eating)

1) Heat up 3 Tbsp olive oil in a large sautee pan on medium to medium-high for 2 minutes.
2) Dice those onions – brunoise that shit if you know how – then add them to the pan. Reduce the heat to medium and stir often. If they start to caramelize, turn the heat down, you don’t want that. Cook until translucent and soft, about 12 minutes, then remove from heat.
3) Heat up 2 Tbsp of canola oil on high in a heavy-duty pan – cast iron, stainless steel, whatever. Throw in the thin-sliced rib eye and season with salt and pepper. Try and chop that shit up while it’s in the pan, it’s good that way. Do this in small batches to prevent overcrowding and keep the pan hot.
4) Cut out 2 inch high 3 inch radius rounds of your Challah bread. Or any fucking shape you want, if you have penis shaped cake mold, make penis benedict, I don’t care. Toast the rounds by any means necessary.
5) Poach the eggs – this gets tricky. Fill a medium sauce pot up halfway with water and bring to a rapid boil. Then, reduce the heat to medium high to get a very very gentle boil, and add your tsp of vinegar. The vinegar helps the egg poach better, because science.
6) Crack an egg into the gently boiling water and let it cook for 2 1/2 to 3 minutes. Use a slotted spoon to remove the egg and place on a paper towel to dry off.
7 Layer it from the bottom up: Challah, onion, steak, poached egg, slather it with your Cheez-Whiz Hollandaise and top with the cherry pepper relish.
8) Garnish it with dressed arugula, because it’s fucking beautiful, and the brightness really cuts the fat of the entire dish.
9) Eat while watching the Eagle’s offense flounder against more conservatively coached teams. 

the mysterious origin of eggs benedict


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