‘WHIZ WIT’ BENEDICT AND MY PENCHANT FOR PROCESSED FOODS

‘WHIZ WIT’ BENEDICT

If I can’t taste the rBGH in my milk, I’m not drinkin’ it.  If a food can be scientifically improved, it should be. Jew God did a good thing when He created fruits, vegetables, meats, cheeses, et cetera, but the benevolent people at Monsanto figured out how to take it to another level. They took … Read more →

SPAGHETTI AND MEATBWAFFLES & THE HIPSTER INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX

SPAGHETTI AND MEATBWAFFLES

Don Quixote chased dragons and found windmills; I chased cronuts and found meat waffles. The Cronut phenomenon has little to do with the food itself; it has a lot to do with the line of 300 hipsters deep outside Dominque Ansel’s Bakery in the biting SoHo cold, waiting for their opportunity to Instagram a unique … Read more →

AN EASTER FEAST OF DANK PROPORTIONS & WHAT HOLIDAYS MEAN TO ME

AN EASTER FEAST OF DANK PROPORTIONS

I prepared this feast to commemorate the day Mecha-Jesus rose from the grave and used his laser-vision to free Mothra from the evil clutches of King Ghidorah, thus returning peace to the universe and absolving us of our sins. Amen. What with being a Jew and all, Easter’s always carried a lot of significance in … Read more →

CHICKEN BREAST AND RICE PILAF, WTF? AND OTHER NOTES

CHICKEN BREAST AND RICE PILAF

“Like a sprained ankle, boy, I ain’t nothing to play with” – Nelson Mandela. I figured I should start writing down some notes on the recipes I’m practicing for the upcoming cooking competition. On March 15th, I’ll be competing in the preliminary round of the Art Institute of California’s culinary scholarship competition. If I beat … Read more →

TRUFFLE BURGER AND THE WORST COOK I HAVE EVER KNOWN

TRUFFLE BURGER AND THE WORST COOK I HAVE EVER KNOWN

To protect his identity, I’ll refer to him by the alias “Randew Rickards.” Rickards is like the Michael Jordan of cooking. Not Michael Jordan, the basketball player, but Michael Jordan, the negligent father, husband, general manager, baseball player, and violently obsessive gambler. He was, undoubtedly, the worst cook I’ve ever known, and I challenge anyone … Read more →

BOURBON BREAD PUDDING AND WHY BAKING BLOWS

BOURBON BREAD PUDDING AND WHY BAKING BLOWS

I hate baking for the same reasons I wouldn’t say I like jogging and physical intimacy – it’s sticky and makes me feel inadequate. Since I was a kid, I have avoided my inadequacies, problems, fears, emotional health concerns, and feelings of general masculinity. Fucking awesomely, I put all my emotions into barbells and burritos. … Read more →